SATIRE!

There are many types of humour. Ranging from "ur a fag lol" to a three novel hit on the hilarious misadventures of Gandalf and his various "wonts", people like to be entertained. So what can you do to help? You're not quick on your wits enough to be a comedian, you are too dense to mock things, and name-calling leaves you in a bloody mess. If this is you, then you're possibly an accountant, and definitely aren't funny enough for the high mores of the Internet, unless something out of your control happens to you like a vending machine falls on you while you're rocking it, or your family is stoned to death by militant Islamic terrorists. If this isn't you, and you're reasonably intelligent, you could possibly be a candidate for the type of humour best suited to people who are too intelligent to be comedians. Firstly, you need to rule out easier types of humour if you want to stray into the dark, realms of satire, as if you're reading this you're not likely to be the type of person who has time to spare. Irreverent flash animations aren't as hilarious, but due to their flashy nature people are likely to be pleased by them. If you're not artistic, try creating a web site about politics. Politics isn't intrinsically funny, but the types of people that go to them will create vast amounts of humour for you. Posting "lol bu$$$h and gay-ney r ruining AmeriKKKa" in Democrat forums is simply the height of humour, and because it's political, the person seems intelligent. If you're simply too good to sully your good name with political mud-slinging and, er, debate (read: "mud-slinging"), then maybe satire is for you.

SATIRE!

"So what is satire?" you may be asking, quite rightly. If you've read this much knowing what satire is, then ironically you're also not the type of person likely to understand what satire is. In other words, you've created a paradox. Way to go, Schrödinger. Dictionary.com defines satire as "A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit." In new age speak, a "book thing that done speak bout humans and how stupid some shit is. Shit be trippy, they be speaking bout it using them smarty talk". If you understood that inexplicable blend of red-neck speak with the occasional bit of Ebonics sprinkled in, then you'll likely know what I'm talking about. So to create a good satire article, you first need a bit of human folly or vice to expose for the ridiculousness that it is. Case in point: my article about "how to speak". It shows the silly way in which speech has evolved. "University doctors" and "average Joes" might point out that it's not in fact silly, just that I'm a "pompous git". They'd be quite correct: the second thing you need is an abrasive personality. If people don't want to punch you ten minutes after meeting you, then that's good. Not that abrasive.

So you're set up. You have something to parade in front of your peers in all its unintelligent glory, such as the fact that many people who protest things (like genetic engineering) don't understand them, or that services are there for just about anything (Bob's Blokes will do your job FOR YOU FOR ONLY A FRACTION OF THE WAGE!) and you have the personality to mock them. But how? Don't be afraid to make basic jokes. Some things, like swear words, get responses. Make the thing seem ridiculous. Combine the two. For example, try saying the phrase "Wizza da tizza, motherfuckers" out loud, in front of people. If the response you get is uncomfortable staring, plus staring at your crotch that makes you uncomfortable, then do up your fly. Ridiculousness is your best friend. When describing something, make the last part ridiculous. This ties in with an important part of humour: the last part being unexpected. For example, "Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the other side." This is not entirely unexpected, mostly because you've been told it about fifteen fucking million times until you just want to murder the next person who says it using a blunt razor. So it isn't funny. If someone said, however, "I enjoy reading, scuba diving, and pelting blind hobos with large rocks" then this would be mildly amusing as the last term is completely out of context in regards to the first, normal activities. An extremely good example of "unexpected" jokes is one Isaac Asimov made regarding three people from various planets, a potentially deadly experience, and the breaking of the promises made to stop the deadly experience from occuring, but that I can't reprint here due to copyright issues (read: I don't feel like typing it out). I think it's in the preface to one of his 300 odd books. That's all well and good to fill your article sentence-to-sentence, but you also need to mock the subject you chose. Another thing: structure. Don't just flick from idea to idea. It's really bad writing. Anyway, the subject. Let's take that example of genetic engineering protestors again. You might show how ridiculous it is by writing a story about a protestor, and his various exploits, or you might write an article outlining good ways to be a protestor. Anyway, I'm not going to do it here, mostly because I might use that in another article. Just kidding! Making fun of yourself for laziness or other things is acceptable, but only you find it funny. Actually, I need to stop doing it. Shit. Just keep in mind that your central theme, even if you get sidetracked for a sentence or two, is the paramount thing you should focus on, and that you should make jokes for all levels of humour, from the guy who finds loud farts funny to the professor who laughs in the face of young students who find "anomalies", because he has taught them improperly for the entire year. Also, 1000 words is a good number. Not so many that it takes hours to read, but not so little that it leaves you wanting.

SATIRE!

Now that you know (kinda) how to write good satire, or at least what satire is, I can leave you with this final thought: if I write satire, which makes fun of folly, wouldn't it follow that I could conceivably write a bad article that incorrectly states how to do something, to outline how ridiculous how-tos that incorrectly state how to do something are through irony, or better yet, to promote human error in future in their writing, thus causing humour? If you didn't understand that, then keep writing there bud!

But wait, there's more! This is a double-whammy article! That's right, two for the price of one ($0)! Introducing…

How to write to deadlines!

Unfortunately, I ran out of time for this one. Sorry.

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