I turned on my TV at some point in the near past. And what greeted me was crap. Not crap as in "that last sentence was crap, sentences aren't allowed to begin with 'and'" but "damn, my family just got exploded, along with my bank account and job. Ah well at least I have my car- HOLY SHIT!" crap. With fantastic shows like Law and Order, Futurama and Sonic the Hedgehog being replaced by fluff like Crime and Punishment, King of the Hill and Search for a Pop Star, the 58th series, the general quality of television is slipping, like a greased up fat man falling down an air vent and jamming the fan at the bottom (his bottom, not the bottom of the air vent). Anyway, how often I have despaired desperately in a fit of desperation. Then, I came across yet another great idea. It was written by a park bench, so whoever wrote it first, too bad for you. I could make my OWN show. Better yet, it would be a cop show about a bent cop. The show would be aptly named BENT, and would follow the life and times of a really not upstanding at all violent cop named Beiunt Toyotomi Liu Bei Koppovichsky (it's German or Russian or Japanese or Chinese or something, showing we're up with tolerance of ethnicity here at Feasties). He would fight crime in the only way he knew; by beating criminals into confessing and accepting large bribes from important people. Unfortunately, at that moment I ran into a small problem. It's not really important but it may just push the date at which this show gets made back, oh, about one or two or infinity months. This problem is that I neither have any skill at directing, any inclination to learn or any money to pay a cast and stuff.

So, I decided to use my other "creative" talents to help attract the big shots in whereever the hell they produce TV shows. Introducing the brush tool created comic- BENT!

I'll break it down for you to help you understand. Firstly, Beiunt asks some punk behind the counter of a popular cosmetics store (no, I won't list its name because I don't know any popular cosmetic stores) if he has any non-sting shampoo. The amazing character development here is a skill you can't just learn. We now know that Koppovichsky is in touch with his feminine side, and probably has at least one woman following him (though whether it's for his rugged attractiveness or the fact that he doesn't pay his child support, we don't know... yet). We can also see that he is a man who is afraid to cry. He wants the sting taken out of his shampoo, and out of life. Perhaps this is why he takes bribes. He cannot accept life's cruel realities so must fall back upon his cushion of Mafia cash. His greeting is evidence that I watch too much Law and Order. The second part of the comic is equally important. We get character development for both evident people now. The kid calls Beiunt an "assface", making the audience immediately side with Koppovichsky. This kid is obviously a bad egg, and is just looking to be cracked and thrown in the rubbish. We see Beiunt smoking a cigarette, showing that although he knows of its health risks, he doesn't care. This reckless disregard for safety warnings promises us an exciting TV show. He doesn't play by the book, and who knows what will happen when he's released into the real world in the TV show! The next square shows us Beiunt wearing a hat. He wears it backwords, not conforming to the mores of a society of front-way-cap-wearers. The kid is unchanging, showing that his bad attitude and possibly communist ways are not going to change unless action is taken. "Let me try that", Koppovichsky orders, showing that he is not a sucker, tricked by a treacherous communist youth. He squirts the shampoo directly into the eyes of a nearby monkey, who screeches loudly. Beiunt knows that although animals have rights, the needs of a human are paramount. He does not kill the monkey outright, showing his great respect for nature and its many creations. The monkey is called "Timmo" or has stolen the t-shirt from a boy named Timmo. Or possibly a girl named Timmo. He is obviously some sort of evil monkey like on that one Indiana Jones episode. There are no dates to kill this monkey, unfortunately, and it is up to Beiunt to stop his criminal habits by squirting a thick bottle of justice into his eyes, to give him a taste of what is to come if he continues down the pointless path. Koppovichsky then shoots the asshole salesman in the neck, possibly in the jugular due to the large amount of blood coming out the back of his neck. Beiunt has the needs of the consumer in mind, not the capitalist machine selling us things we don't need, like shampoo that hurts our delicate eyes. The blood promises action in store for those watching the TV show, it's going to be a roller coaster ride of action where if you don't hold on to your heart it will leap out of your chest, do a dance where it will possibly get dirty and then leap back in, ripping heart cords and so on in a very uncomfortable way. We recommend you wear a corset or at least a sports bra. The boy still looks no different, with his mouth ajar in an unbecoming way. His ignorance is so paramount that he cannot even comprehend his own death. Finally, we see a closeup of Koppovichsky's admittedly handsome face. He is crying, and screaming the word "WHY!?" We can see that he is no stranger to emotions, and can relate to both our male and female audiences. Beiunt is a man of action, but he can see his mistake. Should he have taken a life from the earth? Was it worth it? These questions flash before his mind's eye. We can see that the TV show will be profound and will question our very existence on the Earth, and our moral standards. What is right, and what is wrong? You'll just have to watch to find out.

Now, this is all well and good. It's a brilliant TV show, conceptually. However, it doesn't always work out that way. We need a good cast to get it off the ground. So just who do I envisage playing the various roles? I'll give you a few characters, their description and a good person to play them, just to whet your appetite for this great show further.

Beiunt Toyotomi Liu Bei Koppovichsky - The main character. I've been explaining this damn guy for the last 800 or so words so you better fucking know who he is.
Played by - Harrison Ford

Janice Koppovichsky - Beiunt's wife. She left him after he brutally murdered her parents, possibly investigated in a hilarious flashback episode! She is made fun of, mostly because she is a transsexual (she used to be a woman, not the other way around because that would make Beiunt gay). S/he battles with acceptance, while Beiunt battles with his own personal disgust and his ideas of tolerance.
Played by - Rob Schneider

Janet Koppovichsky - Beiunt's daughter. She lives with Janice and is frankly annoying. She just whines and shit. We were told we needed one character like this though, because we get huge ratings when we kill her off eventually. It'll be a surprise though, so watch every episode! At least she isn't annoying to the eyes.
Played by - Denise Richards

Jack Koppovichsky - Beiunt's son. He aspires to being a stockbroker and helps us make important comments about society, using situations such as when Jack gets bored with being a stockbroker because it is unfulfilling. Oops, did I say comments? We meant comment. He also gets into fights during which he kicks a considerable amount of ass.
Played by - Jet Li

Musicak von Spoonhedder - Beiunt's Italian-American partner of Swedish descent. He helps Koppovichsky out of many jams and is the level-headed of the two.
Played by - Morgan Freeman

Police Chief Bob Takihara - Koppovichsky's tough-talking boss with a heart of gold. He repeatedly tells Koppovichsky that he's "out of line" to which Koppovichsky reponds (by looking at the camera with an action pose) "Is my brand of justice just not mainstream enough for you?" Bob also provides comic relief.
Played by: Bruce Willis

Eville Gangstarr - An evil character, the reigning crimelord in the city. He often puts hits out on Beiunt, and makes evil sounding comments and laughs maniacally. Generally evil, and also specifically evil at some points. He has pent-up insecurities which is why he acts the way he does, using criminal acts as his buffer much as Beiunt uses money. Expect many scenes of emotional healing involving Beiunt and Eville.
Played by - Ali G

Other characters to be in show: Group of hot girls, The Australian, Generic Female Cops #1-8, Female Scientist Cop that always says smart sounding stuff that makes you learn like on SVU or CSI or CPR or whatever the intials of those cop shows are AND MORE!

We may also need the help of a few professionals, because, much like you only in a less pronounced way, I am imperfect and cannot do anything. So, to help with a few things:

Realistic Physics Ensurers - Creators of Dragon Ball Z
Fluffer/General Yesman/Guy who laughs at all my jokes/Porn Star - Nick Greekodopolous (real name withheld pending trial)
Accomplice//Driver - Al Kahol
Associate Director in Keeping It Hip - Kim Jong Il (we haven't got a reply to our letter back yet but we're hopeful)

Obviously this won't just happen. We need support, from good people like you. Send $500,000 (US, you cheapskate) to my address (email me for it) and I'll put your name in the credits when the show is made. Or buy an expensive sports car. But there is a 50% chance I'll use it on the show, and those are betting odds! Keep your eyes peeled for BENT!, the greatest cop show to (n)ever grace television!

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