Look at him! You cahn NAWT teo me dat don' look lahk Mick-ay sistah!

I was recently reading a highly educational book called "Tom Clancy's Opforce's Tom Clancy Version Executive Orders by Tom Clancy", which was by Tom Clancy. It involved some terrorists from Iraq getting Ebola and infecting people and then some missiles flying at them and B-2 bombers and nuclear tactical strikes and people saying things like "Code-Red Alpha Bravo Commando Strike Now!" Anyway, to cut a long story (if you count roughly 100 words of text as long) short, I learned about Ebola. Ebola is a virus that causes rapid death, and does roughly the same job as someone swallowing a lawnmower while it is on. So, I decided to look it up, hoping to add another thing to the plethora of items which cause me to wet my pants repeatedly at night. Sure enough, I found something out. Something so chilling, that it chilled me. Ebola is a virus, in other words some DNA or RNA with protein armour that latches onto your cells and causes them to explode. All this fancy talk basically means its some shit with a weird shape that kills you good. Anyway, that's not that much different from the common cold and therefore I wasn't chilled by this. Well, I was a little but that's just because I'm a girl. I found a picture of what the Ebola virus looks like. "Hey!" I said to myself. "That looks familiar!" Then, with a sinking feeling in my stomach, I realized "Ebola looks exactly the fucking same as Mickey Mouse!" This epiphany caused pieces to fall together in my head, much like shards of glass entering from a head wound. After several days, when the pieces had stopped falling and blood and ripped brain matter had stopped coming out of my ears, I realized some important things. Mickey Mouse doesn't look like Ebola, Mickey Mouse IS Ebola. For your convenience, and because I need an article that's longer than 350 words, I began to draw up some of the comparisons between the two.

• Mickey Mouse causes people to writhe in pain. Ebola causes people to writhe in pain.
  

  Even this maniac gets a damn gun! Either the cops are horribly biased or I'm the biggest retard ev-

  Mickey Mouse is a rabbit or mouse or one of those animals that is small and squeaks and shit. Those animals can only be killed using mouse traps or possibly guns, but for those of us who have had our guns taken away because we have been described as "excessively drunk" or "someone who is likely to shoot people, because he is a retard", mouse traps are the only option. So, figuring that I could preempt a mouse break-in and therefore stop viruses like Ebola get in (your logic begins to get a bit weak when you've just consumed a bottle of pain killers after proving to yourself that falling down the stairs does hurt more than you think), I laced my floor with mouse traps. Unfortunately, at that point, the painkillers kicked in and I lost consciousness. A few hours later I awoke. You can probably guess what happened, but in case you can't I'll elaborate: nut cracking action had ensued shortly after I fell over. The painkillers had worn off by the time I woke up, so that part wasn't fun. Anyway, the point of this stupid and made-up anecdote is that mice cause pain. Ebola causes your internal organs to liquefy which is also painful. I'm told anyway.

• Mickey Mouse is only caught off apes. Ebola is only caught off apes.
  

  They were supposed to look like apes, but they turned out looking like Wookies or something. Maybe if you guys sent us money we could have better images (hint hint)

  It's commonly known that lots of children like Mickey Mouse and that sort of thing. It is also commonly known that children are much like apes in that they are hairier, less smart and more prone to making silly decisions like getting caught by poachers or kidnappers than adults. Thus, children are much more like apes than adults. "Yes," you might be saying, "That explanation sucked, but I see your point". However, you don't, because I haven't explained how Mickey Mouse is caught off apes yet. I'm getting to that part. Anyway, these simian children (they're not really simian, they're like simians, I already explained that bit) often force their adults to come with them when going on trips to Disneyland and other places Thus, if you think of it in terms of the Mickey Mouse FEVER, and the Ebola FEVER, you could say that they are both caught off apes. Mickey Mouse fever is caught off those damn children and Ebola fever is caught off apes in Africa or something.

• Mickey Mouse is invincible against everything except radiation and being outside.
  

  The Great Chain Of Life. Note that the half skull/half muscle man eats everything. (Click to enlarge image)

  Ebola is invincible against everything except radiation and being outside.
  Mice aren't invincible against radiation. Any Joe Average with a microwave and a field nearby can tell you that. "But how is Mickey Mouse vulnerable to being outside?" you are probably asking. What a stupid question, I already told you he is, isn't that good enough? Guess not. Mice are the natural prey of basically everything except grass and wheat, and therefore going outside isn't a good idea, unless for some reason everything except grass and wheat dies, in which case going outside is really fucking bad idea as something killed everything else. As we all know, Mickey Mouse is the most successful mouse, and therefore he has even less reason to go outside as successful people tend to die and stuff. Look at Kennedy, he was the most successful man in the world until a bullet caused his head to explode, and that was a direct result of going outside. Abraham Lincoln went out to something as innocent as the theatre, and then found that half of his back had suddenly been replaced by lead. Ebola, and again I'm using the knowledge gained from reading the book by Tom Clancy's Tom Clancy.com's "Tom Clancy" Tom Clancy, dies when outside or when bombarded by radiation. So if you're radioactive then you can go outside and talk to Mickey Mouse and stuff I guess, hell do whatever you want because you're totally going to fucking die soon, radioactive boy. In fact, you're probably so riddled by cancerous growths by now that Ebola looks like the common cold.
  

Because I've wasted enough of your time drawing vague comparisons that really don't make sense between Mickey Mouse and Ebola, I'm going to end this with a quote. "Eat shit and die!" That was from the guy with the assault rifle when the Iraqi terrorists try to kill the President's daughter in the book. I'm not sure how that relates, but it sounded like he knew what he was talking about. But as you can clearly see from my colloquialisms and bad grammar-ridden sentences, Ebola and Mickey Mouse are one and the same thing. Which means that if you go to Disneyland, don't eat, breathe or otherwise ingest Mickey Mouse. Unless you are forced at gunpoint by an Iraqi terrorist and then for some reason there are some special government forces that don't exist and a B-58 tactical espionage exploding helicopter with nuclear missiles that expired in 1942 on the back. LOL! That was a joke aimed at Tom Clancy's oft incredible situations.

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