A lot of us eat meat. We eat it to survive, because it makes us feel good about ourselves, and to spite those silly vegetarians. But have any of us taken time to find out where meat comes from, why we should eat meat, why we shouldn’t eat meat, and what sorts of things meat eaters can do? You might have, but I bet you haven’t done it for a university thesis. And they said I wasn’t going to succeed. Meat is the backbone (well, the meat that surrounds the backbone and possibly ass) of our great society, so I think that it is fair to say that you wouldn’t be half the man you are today if you didn’t eat meat. This applies doubly if you are female.

I can already taste it!

Our first point: Where Meat Comes From! As most of us know, meat comes from animals. But as a lot of you may not know, it comes from specific animals. For example, beef (a.k.a. the greatest meat of all), the greatest meat of all, comes from cows. Cows also supply milk, which is also known as nature’s Sloppy Joe. Chicken meat comes from chickens, and fish meat comes from fish. Some vegetarians don’t think that fish or chicken count as meat, because fish live in the ocean and not on land, and chicken, well, I dunno, have two legs instead of four. So I guess human meat is OK too. There are also other types of meat, but I can’t really remember their names. Veal or Venison or Vagina I think, all things I am unfamiliar with.
"Well," you may say, "that’s all well and fine, but where does the MEAT come from? Looks slightly different to the animals, you know." If you said that, I would make fun of the grammar of the second sentence, and then tell you a story. Firstly, we have our animal, Jim the Cow. Jim is eating some grass (that lives, for you vegetarians). The grass screams at a pitch inaudible to humans, but clearly audible to cows. Jim grins as the grass continues to scream and writhe in pain. Then, Farmer Joe comes along with a shotgun. He valiantly saves the grass from its evil oppressor, Jim, by shooting Jim in the head. Brain matter and little bits of skull go everywhere, but it doesn’t matter because you’re allowed to make messes outside, unless that mess is directly related to indecent exposure, which is something I know all about. Joe cuts off the rest of the cow’s mangled head, and then skins the animal. Now it looks a bit like this meat we’re talking about! Joe cuts all the yucky internal organs out (the cow doesn’t need them anymore) and then cuts the cow up into little pieces. Now he has meat! In other words, meat is just like you killing a murderer, and as the Bible says; "An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth". And there’s no better backer than God! Unfortunately, we have, through necessity, moved away from the direct killing of animals because some of us have expensive clothes and don’t want to get them all bloody. This is where the Meat Packers come into play. Meat Packing isn’t an allusion to homosexual intercourse, as you might think, but really an entire industry which focuses on killing and freezing animals, which are then delivered to supermarkets where you can buy them and then light them on fire and eat them. It kills them a little differently to good old Joe. Joe used a shotgun, which is costly and ineffective, so Meat Packers use chainsaws. That also cuts out the part where you have to cut off the remaining head.

Why You Should Eat Meat: many people believe that by eating something, you gain its powers. This is alluded to in the show Dragonball Z, where a man is quite clearly shown eating a dragon’s testicles and then gaining immense power. I don’t know what powers we can gain from cows, but chickens are birds and therefore if we eat them we will become the Birdman, Tony Hawk. And if that doesn’t kick ass, I don’t know what does. Possibly Sylvester Stallone before he started to become fat, or Jet Li after he had the surgery. In a way, modern science has proved this theory right. Energy is power, and you gain energy from food. Not only that, but you gain a great deal of iron from meat. This makes your blood red, because you don’t want to have blue blood and be mistaken for the Queen, and it also keeps your metal levels up which ensures that you’ll be able to do things only metal people can do like stop bullets with your head and break small insects with your hands.

Other benefits of meat include:
Ability to "beat the meat"
Invulnerability to fire type monsters
Heterosexuality

Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Eat Meat come into play at this point. They are as follows:

N/A

Next: What Sorts Of Things Meat Eaters Can Do! If you eat meat, there are a wealth of things that you can do that you cannot when you don’t. I’ll list a few of the most exciting ones here.

You seriously don't want to be this guy?

Male Porn Star

Male Porn Stars need a lot of meat. And there’s only one way to get a lot of meat, because meat is too large to fit into a syringe. That is, to eat a lot of meat. The Semen Warriors of Papua New Guinea knew this, and that is why they eat meat on a regular basis. You should eat meat too, although it might be a bit much for you at first you’ll get used to it.

McDonalds Employee

No franchise is meatier than McDonalds, in both ways. It is the largest, and it contains the most meat, but in a good way, unlike Sylvester Stallone, who now contains a lot of pork chops and greasy buffalo wings. You will have to really love meat however (on a Semen Warrior level), because McDonalds puts meat in everything. They thicken milkshakes with chicken fat, they add ground up cow heads to the coke "to make men out of these wieners" and they even put beef in the Big Mac. The only down point to working in McDonalds is that Ronald McDonald is a convicted child molester and scary, scary man, so younger meat-eaters may wish to steer clear of this shop.

Astronaut

Has your Mom ever told you that if you don’t eat up, you won’t be big and strong like Daddy? Because if you’re not as strong as Daddy, there’s no way in hell you’re fit for the Space Program. Unless your father is an astronaut, in which case you still won’t be fit for it because you’re less strong than him. You’ll miss out on such things as alien ritual gang-probing, alien gang-probing, alien ritual solo probing, alien solo probing and hilarious misadventures involving your oxygen supply being cut off when you’re floating in space several metres from the ship.

A few other jobs include:

Straight Person
Professional Boxer
Lion
Tyrannosaurus Rex

Then you'll have to be him!

At this point, I think it’s blatantly obvious that meat is vitally important to your success as a human being. Make sure to buy lots and lots of meat, however, don't be fooled by emails telling you that they can "enlarge your meat". I tried it and it doesn't work, my "steak" still only weighs fifty kilograms (one hundred and ten pounds). Also, do not eat the following animals: blowfish, Mohammed Said Al-Sahaf, Kurt Russell, atomic waste barrels. Now fill your plate up with meat, then eat! (That line rhymed unintentionally, I'm not actually slightly witty).

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