As we deal with extremely important issues, like what the time is, what we’re going to have for dinner and where the damn remote has gone, we often lose track of the real thing we should be worrying about: WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE. There is no escaping that fact. Or is there?

Being a co-member of Feasties (if you don’t believe that co-member is a word, and that if it did a co-member would just be a member anyway, you’re probably right), I decided that I was the best man to figure out how to elude the sly and often pastry-coated thing that we call Death.

Avoid the "Pratelf" at all costs. While they are far more likely to kill themselves with that arrow, don't take any chances with your LIFE!

I realized that the best option is to just not die. Don’t contract cancer, don’t be in a car crash, don’t get shot. However, if you are physically lazy or unable to do these things, there are alternatives.

Firstly, you could fake your own death. Many people fake their own death to escape angry Mafia bosses and steel workers. However, you can fake your death to escape Death, who is like a Gothic steel worker. All you need is a few kilograms of C4 explosives, the band Linkin Park, some tomato sauce, a willing volunteer and a plastic gun. Firstly, strap the C4 to Linkin Park. The next step should be fairly obvious, unless you like Linkin Park in which case get the fuck off my page. Next, give the volunteer the plastic gun. Tell him to yell out “BANG” in a really loud voice, then spray the tomato sauce on your chest, and on the ground, making sure to take a picture of yourself so Death knows it is you who died. Then, lie down until you think nobody is looking, and run off. Remember, it is common for bodies to mysteriously disappear, so no-one will think twice. Doing this should add at least 30 seconds to your life, so I suggest doing it every day, preferably in the same area, with the same volunteer. The only con of this is tomato sauce is expensive, especially if you use a bottle a day. If you are unsure, just ask yourself “Is my life worth more than a few bucks?” If you read this site, then probably not.

If you don’t like this option, then you can go with the time-old custom of being buried alive. Death doesn’t check around graveyards, unless he is sick and likes watching bodies rot. I happen to know personally that he doesn’t, so this is the safest possible place you can be. Choose your graveyard carefully. If it is likely to be dug up in the next thousand years, then you might want to choose again. Try and choose a fairly dry one, for comfort and because some thirsty peoples have learned to pick hibernating frogs out of the ground and suck their water out. And the frogs are becoming extinct. Also, because you’re going to be extremely bored, you might want to buy a whole lot of videos. If anyone questions why you’re selling your house and car to buy 10,000 pornography videos, just mock them for not knowing the secret to living a million years. You can worry about fitting them in your coffin later. The bad point about this is that you cannot take your monkey-butlers down with you. However, you can dig underneath the graveyard and employ the skeletons as skeleton-butlers! Just make sure they aren’t zombies. Nobody likes freshly made hors d’oeuvre with an eye in it.

This vampire enjoys anal rape and eating children!

The next way is to become a vampire. That used to work, however, Death figured out that most vampires are probably just Goths anyway, so he kills really white people with makeup with extreme prejudice. So I guess you’re stuffed if you’re British and like makeup, too.

Another way, and possibly the most famous way, is to be granted “eternal life” in Heaven. This is basically like a Ferrari club, and it requires you to sacrifice at least a billion dollars worth of Microsoft stock (by burning them) on an altar. This is the only way to get in, and if anyone tells you differently then they are perverting the course of justice and are “out of line”! If you don’t have a billion dollars worth of Microsoft stock, then you are lazy.

Linkin Park are shit. Not "the shit", just shit.

The last way is extremely difficult, and requires great skill. You have to kill yourself while you’re still in the womb. Because you’re a negative age at that point, if you kill yourself it will create a paradox and you will be able to live forever. I don’t know why you get to live forever, it’s just one of those random rules. However, if you’re older than this, then too bad. And if you’re not, then you’re probably one of those super-babies like on that stupid movie that had the smart babies that sassed everyone. It doesn’t work if you’re a super-baby.

Now, by this point you are almost certainly immortal, dead, or in jail. If you’re immortal, you should immediately change your name to Baron Von Zeppelin. Nobody can stop you. You should also proclaim ridiculous things on a daily basis such as “`I can’t believe it’s not butter’ is easily discernable from regular butter” and “MTV (including but not limited to Linkin Park, and if they aren’t affiliated with MTV I don’t care) is filled with talent”. You should also have learned an important thing. The best way out of any bad situation, and the best way to work things in your favour, is by plotting ways to trick and deceive.

On a lighter note, Linkin Park still suck!

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