Little fucker.

I'm sick of young people (people a year younger than me) getting all excited about being able to get their driver's licence. In Australia this consists of a computer based test, which if passed gives you your 'Learner's Permit'. When one has obtained his/her 'Learner's Permit', one has to put a silly yellow square with a large, black "L" on it on both the front and rear windshields.

For the uninitiated and just plain silly, no, the front windshield "L plate" (snazzy slang) does not go directly in front of the driver's eyes. Not only must one announce to all of the surrounding traffic that he/she is a 'Learner', but a fully licenced driver (generally a parent) must be a passenger. Not only is there the embarrassment of having garish yellow squares on both windshields and your parents sitting next to you sweating in fear, but you also legally get to drive slower than everyone else!

Oh the joy of barely keeping up with elderly folk on their Sunday drive, while Dad sits bolt-upright hanging onto the dash white-knuckled, whilst yelling, "Oh no, the rear 'L plate' is coming off!!!"

I'm not sure how the system works anywhere else in the world (except for in New Zealand, thanks to my NZ pedestrian terrorising pal Ozma), but it is the exact reason why 16 year old people in Australia should not be excited that they are beginning to learn how to drive.

In fact, I am the proud (alright, bitter and cynical) owner of some 'L plates', and I never drive.
Why?

Because not only is it incredible easy and therefore mind-numbingly boring, but it doesn't help when you have to drive slowly. It also isn't fun to get caught in exceedingly heavy traffic. But there are multiple reasons for this.

The first is that in heavy traffic, your patience can really be tested. I'm a golf player, and when you get stuck behind a group of 4 women who suck really bad at golf (it looks like they're trying to play hockey - the ball's supposed to go into the friggin' air dammit!), it takes about 6 hours to play a round of golf. This is bad when you consider it should take about 4 hours (give or take 30 mins) on a public golf course.

Big fucker.

Now imagine those 4 women in large SUV's that are so large in fact, they can barely see over the steering wheel.
Now imagine them changing lanes without indicating and then driving erratically, including slamming on the brakes for what appears to be no apparent reason. I'm not trying to paint a picture that driving in Australia is like trying to drive in El Salvadore or something, but the fact is, alot of people suck at driving. The second reason is that when the traffic gets really heavy, what should have been a 30 minute drive takes hours. It's even worse when you have to sit behind the same car that has a personalised number plate for the duration of that time. The personalised plates annoy me generally because most drivers have them to be distinctive and witty, but the plate itself could barely raise a laugh from a group of second graders, it if could be deciphered. There has only been one plate I have remembered, and that was a motorcycle rider proclaiming that his name was, "Jock".

You're sitting there right now reading this, either nodding your head agreeing with what I'm saying, or you're about to call the FBI and claim that I'm a right wing terrorist. Frankly, I don't care which one. But to me it appears that when you drive you have to deal with every moron in the country.

Let me elaborate.

There have been numerous times where I've arrived at a parking lot, only to see that there are 1 or 2 spots left. I quickly head for the nearest of these 2 spaces, and find that some jerk has parked on an angle in his/her SUV.
On such an angle in fact, that their big piece of shit is protruding into my space.
The only thing that annoys me more is a shopping cart (or trolley for my southern hemisphere brethren), is carelessly left perfectly parked in what should be an empty space. It's the work of no good hobos that have got a sportscar, stripped it to the frame, given it some serious pimp-value by covering it in chrome and then changing the wheels, or some useless piece of crap excuse for a human being that was too lazy to move it.

Then there's the chump that decides that they'll park in an area they shouldn't, simply because they have to run into a store to buy something quickly, or get to an ATM etc. Did they realise that in the one minute that they're away from their car, it could be causing a serious problem for at least 1 other person.

In fact, there's a pattern in all of this ranting.

Once you hit the roads (not literally I hope, it leads to a bad case of broken knuckles), morons appear. By morons I mean people that are totally inconsiderate to everyone around them, only thinking about themselves. To make this train of thought last even longer, most of these people are also owners of SUV's.

It's great that people have taken on the mentality of, "If I crash, at least I won't be the driver who dies", while guzzling way too much fuel and making things a real pain for those around them.

For those of you that actually own SUV's and are arguing with, "If it's such a problem, just buy one and then you won't have anymore problems", I answer you with this.

I don't need to compensate for anything, and I don't need a vehicle designed for use on unpaved roads and such for driving in the city/suburbs. If you love fishing and drive through the 'high country' (at least the Jeep ads are useful), then that's great. More power to you I say. But to the family that needs to look big when they drop their kids off at school in an SUV, I say this:

Zoom zoom (zoom).

Get a damn life, and instead of trying to impress everyone else, just drive a regular car and stop making enemies with everyone else on the roads. It's the same way that if Hitler hadn't been so vocal in politics, he could have been an average artist, hated Jews without saying anything and wouldn't have gone down as one of history's most hated men.

Do you want to be Hitler or a regular German?
It's a tough choice.

But if you want to be a Hitler, just get rid of the damn SUV anyway and paint a swastika on the hood of your new fuel-efficient Toyota hatchback.

To the 'L plates', they will remain unused for quite a period of time. When I can watch a Pauly Shore movie without getting frustrated and wanting to kill him for not being funny, I will have built up the stamina to be able to deal with the general driving public again.

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