Al has an unhealthy obsession with Richard Nixon. We all need to help him past it. OK OK, it's me with the problem!

Ah, another Christmas over and done with.

More presents to give me bragging rights over my friends and enough used wrapping paper to fill a small landfill, or possibly Paraguay. However there is one thing that lingers around me after this holiday, and it isn't the overwhelming stench of brandy, or the fact that I soiled myself because of too much brandy. The problem is the fact that Christmas raises more questions than it answers, if any at all.

"Doctor, will my father be okay?"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Jones. Your father is dead"
"What?!? Dead?!?"
"Yes, that's right. However on a more serious note, your father is still alive"
"Well, that's a relief. But you contradicted yourself and that's not cool."
"You're right Mr. Jones. All of those years at Harvard didn't make me cool."

See, as this common scenario shows us, we don't like being not cool. Or is it that we don't not like not being not cool.
I forget, damn state school systems.

Anyway, as the Doctor in the Common Scenario (TM) showed, he contradicted himself to the max. Max being short for maximum in a Conan O'Brien-esque attempt to be cool.

By contradicting himself, the Doctor showed that he was both wrong and stupid, possibly also being ignorant as well. Plus he also stated that he went to Harvard, so he's also a nerd.

Moving along, this also shows all of us that we do not like being seen as wrong, stupid and nerdish, so we make sure that we do not contradict ourselves and go to Harvard. But we do this every year! (except the Harvard bit)

"Billy, you should never, ever lie to people. That's simply wrong, and we in no way would provide this example for you.
Now go to bed early, Santa's coming tonight!"

Parents would be much more believable if they said a robotic Richard Nixon was going to break into every house around the world in one night and during that night would steal every childs' internal organs and sell them to Zoos for meat. In fact, that's downright plausible. After all, Nixon was that crazy, and a futuristic robot could teleport.

For another set of bad examples, I point at the sins set out by God himself. Now I'm not a big city lawyer, and in fact I'm quite sure I'm not, but every year we become corporate puppets buying crap we don't need so that we might help our fledgling self esteem, spend an entire day being gluttons and at the end of it all, hating our family more that ever.

Some of these things are directly against the part about Loving thy parents and the part about not being a glutton. I'm not Charlie Church here, so I'm not going to be able to recite anything exactly.

And if you've ever stabbed your next door neighbour for having better Christmas lights than you, forget Love thy neighbour.

This in turn means that you're screwed for the rest of eternity. As long as screwed means burning in hell.

This raises another question. If I read the Bible, I might actually have some idea and real facts, but isn't God overly nasty at the wrong times. As far as I know, most of the bible goes like this:

God: "Thou hast forsaken my Church! Have a lightning bolt upside the head!"
Villagers: "He's like Jimmy the Pimp, but uses lightning bolts instead of a cane"

And from there everyone dies.

A greater question is how these villagers know Jimmy the Pimp, but that's another story.

Yet God creates Jesus who everyone loves except for the Romans who nobody loves (except for their lasagna), but they push Jesus around and don't get anything upside the head? I think we can all see what's wrong with that.

How is it that an Indian guy who represents moderation ends up being portrayed as a fat Chinese man? I never got that.

So each and every year we celebrate the wrong thing in regards to Christmas. Everyone that is non-Christian seems to be doing fine though.

I mean, how many people think that Christmas is the birthday of Santa, or that December 25 is the only day he works so to get his dole cheques/avoid taxes? To make things worse, instead of actually celebrating christmas, we eat until we should actually explode (continue eating and explode, or if you don't, prove me wrong), get in fights with our families, stab neighbours over christmas lights and spending ridiculous amounts of money on ourselves, giving all of the things that broke as gifts. It's even worse when someone re-gifts. By that I mean when someone recieves a gift, doesn't like it, and gives it away a year later. And believe me, don't re-gift to the person who gave it to you. I did it this year and it resulted in hurt feelings and a next door neighbour being hung from a streetlight by a string of christmas lights.

So next year, do what I do. Sit in the dark watching bad christmas movies (like I'm supposed to believe that Tim Allen is Santa Claus), momentarily moving to go down to the supermarket to get a can of peas, whilst repeatedbly saying, "Bah, humbug."
You may also prefer, "What you talkin' 'bout Christmas?"
After this you're only stabbing a neighbour and a letter bomb short of finding inner peace.
And by inner peace I mean beating yourself in the head with a baseball bat until that little voice goes away. Or at least until it's okay with killing your neighbours.

I'm not a bad guy (general concensus... or does your neck need to meet with my christmas lights) and I believe in anything until proven 100% not true.
This means that I believe that there may be a God and not that not smoking won't not kill you.
However these ideas on Christmas are entirely my own and probably wrong. However, I think that I speak for everyone when I say that I don't really care about your opinion and as your Christmas Lighting Superior (TM), I shouldn't have to.

So this is your CLS (TM) telling you that in general:

• Gluttony, bad
• Family, bad
• Neighbours, bad
• Baseball bat: Oprah Winfrey for the conscience, pure evil.
• Christmas lights, purdy...and deadly.

So sit tight people and wait until Easter. That way instead of celebrating Christmas poorly, you can at least celebrate a giant, chocolate bringing rabbit.

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