"Right-o!... Tony Blair!"

Old-school. A phrase that I'm sure we've all heard by now. And if you have't I suggest you read up on it, then return back to find out you're wrong. For the rest of you, you're wrong. Already. You all seem to have a common misconception as to what Old-school actually means, or at least what I want it to mean.

I'm not talking old school like a movie with Will Farrell in it, or a football jersey from 1973; I'm talking real old school. Cambridge style!

The old-school I speak of is one that will be needed when one travels to England.

'But I'm already prepared' I hear you say.
Well unpack that suitcase, there's no need for funny black hats and white facepaint now.
When you can speak like the proper Englishman, there's no need for that. You'll just need a quaint tweed suit and bowler hat. Maybe a pocketwatch and a cane.
But be careful. With the wrong colors and a feather in that hat of yours, you'll look like a pimp. And that means that not only will you look out of place, but I'll have to write another article.

With the jetlag that will no doubt be encountered upon, your newly purchased pocketwatch (you should have been on ebay while reading this) will magically set itself to the wrong time. Much like your internal clock will.
Imagine what would happen if the alligator from Peter Pan switched timezones. The ticking clock inside him would reset and thus cause a rip in the space time! And we don't want Einstein's theories going Peter Pan on all our asses. Literally. You know what people who wear green tights are like. Last time I ever do a cameo in Hamlet.

Anyway, less about me, and more about the time difference.
You're going to need to ask what the time is.

According to my shameful editor chum, one should announce to the nearest person, 'Yo motherfuckers, wizza da tizza brothers?"

Well now that we're in merry ol' England, this simply won't work.

"Why hello there old chum. Might I request the time from that chronometer that you seem to be wearing?"

Upon recieving an answer, one should reply with, "Jolly good"

You see that by adding all of these extra unneccessary words, you already sound more English.
Of course you could speak in a strange cockney accent and slash your wrists when you see the sun, but I think you might prefer this approach.

There are other words that one should use for optimum effect.
A few names that no one will object to are:

Chum
Old Sport
Old Chum
Old Spice

and if you want to pretend to be near the bottom rung of English society:

Gov'ner
Sir
Tony Blair

So now that you can ask the time, and call somebody a, "Tony Blair" or, "Chum" you have to learn how to really use these skills.
One what to use this is to use combinations.

"Why hello there, Old Chum, might I request the time from that chronometer you seem to be wearing?"

When you find out the time, reply with something to the effect of, "Jolly good Old Sport"

I'm sure that with my advice, you are surely the most popular man in the whole of England (it couldn't be that hard, surely) you may decide to stay and watch Pussyball (Sorry, I mean soccer) and stand in the rain all day while you wait for Taxis that waste more petrol than you can say, "What, David Beckham in the tabloids again!?!?...Old spice"

Cue crappy British music. Oh sorry, the "crappy" made that a tautology.

However, you can't just walk in and buy a tabloid newspaper, you need money. A popular profession taken up by at least half of England is as a poor man in a dirty street shining other people's shoes.
One can simply not do this with the right lingo. Remember the rules of 'Old-school'.
But now that you are in the British workforce, you're somewhere near the bottom rung of society. Because of this, your use of the 'English' language must change.

"Shine yer shoes Gov'ner?"

If this doesn't work, then I'd have to say that you're stuck in England with no money and no green card. I guess that's your problem now.
Or as you should be saying, "I do believe that I have come under some rather rough treatment, Old Chum"
And if you don't like it, "I can be quite the rough customer", and you should take on a policeman in a funny hat. If he is not wearing a funny hat, he will be noticeable by his baton and the way he says, "Ello, ello, ello."
He will say this in a loop over and over, just so everyone know where he is. Almost like Radar, but more British.

By now I'm sure that you will have spent enough time in England while my advice has guided you along.
But spending time in England is like a comic book hero spending time inside a nuclear reactor. No, you won't be big and muscular and make witty remarks, you'll be pasty and have horrible teeth.
Not only that, but you'll be saying to yourself, "Where in the name of God will I place these superb Queen Elizabeth II ornamental plates, Tony Blair?"

By this stage the bowler cap and tweed suit will be gone, and boarded up windows and a nice Goth ensemble will be the norm.
You will also enjoy rain and listening to intricate details of David Beckham's life, even though he lives in another country.

Now get out there in that thick fog and rain and be the best Englishman you can be.
Which would be pretty bad...

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