By Al Kahol Email Author Copyright 30/10/2003
   
Video Games (an objective essay of magnificent proportions)


Now we all hear about how bad video games are for children. And possibly some adults as well. I'm not in either category as I am above all human life and don't have to live by your facist rules and regulations. For example, wearing a shirt in public or wearing a hat when visiting the Solarium.
Although, if I didn't wear a hat I would get a better tan.

But with me being your almighty and having published multiple version of my very own Bible, which is actually a remake of Dr. Seuss's classic, Yurtle the Turtle, you better believe that I know at least 17 kinds of sass!

KNEEL BEFORE YURTLE!

But my Bible is called, Yurtle the Almighty Overlord of your Tiny Planet!

I am Yurtle. I thought that was a good name for an overlord. For you see, invaders would come from another planet, and see me.

"Oh look! With an overlord with such a cute name as Yurtle, they can be beaten, and beaten severly!"

Then I would jump up and say, "BLAAAAAAAARGH!!!"

This would then send them packing back to their own planet.

And I do believe out of the 4 assy articles I have written, this one got off-topic faster than usual. I guess you could say that is a real plus, as you started reading about a new topic before the other one had really even begun. So in a way, this is on topic.

Anyway, back to video games.
So with us all being told about how bad video games are, lets just look at multiple cases over history thus far.

Let's tell it how it was, people!

We all remember World War II.
Now if we remember correctly, this was started by the Germans. This was because they had played a game called, "Nazi Regime: Battle for the World"
So, being the short mustache, impressionable Europeans that they were (and maybe still are), they started a war.
Thankfully, Winston Churchill after playing, "Winston Churchill: Intergalactic Superhero", knew how to handle the situation. Oddly enough, he would play a game that he put his name to, that had nothing to do with anything.
Donning his best tight pants and cape, he stood up to the Germans, who upon seeing him blew up and become those horrible sausages. Don't ask me how it happened, but you can't argue with history.

These World War II games were a beginning of the evil gaming empire to be looked over by the Godzilla like Sony Company with its dry Japanese wit and the oil tycoon, Bill Gates.
This Bill Gates with his oil also made millions with his games revolving around Saddam Hussein.

Gulf War: Battle for the oil

and

George Dubbya Bush: Battle for his fathers acceptance, with many Iraqi casualties.

The latter had a name that was too long, and was later shorted to:

America: Fight against Terrorism.

This new name was then sent to the UN who rejected it after loser countries like Camaroon and South Paraguay decided not to vote.

In the end, the game was titled:

Human Shields: We block bombs with our bong-smoke!

All were happy, except for the human sheilds, so we just threw money at them until they all were happy. Then we dropped more so they drowned in it.

Now lets look at another significant event in history, the moon landing.

Neil Armstrong had recently played a game called, "Superhero spaceman:Intergalactic flight to a big rock in the sky that has no meaning, and wouldn't glow if it weren't for the sun, so let's visit the sun instead! A muppet oddysey with a lemon twist 2048"

All were a little bemused by this game, and Neil delivered what he played. A slight lemon twist. That was really about it.
He sat on his ass, played some golf and then drove around a car with no class at all. If he drove a Pimp-moble, I might be impressed.

Then NASA, played a game called, "Superhero Coverup: Let's screw over a whole nation"

They liked the sound of this, so left Neil to do his lemon thing on the moon and film the whole landing in a studio. This worked well, except for the Mexican Director constantly running onto the 'moon' and yelling, "If this were porno, you would not be hired!"

So then for the next 40 years, not much happened.

d_rumzfeld[]: ROFL g_bsuh R OWNT!!!!!!111~
g_bsuh: U R A SNIPAR F4G!!! UES KNIVE!

A copy of Counter Strike got installed on the FBI computers and gave everyone a scare, which was conveniantly called, "The Millenium Bug" so that people wouldn't suspect that it was in fact their own government making up stupid 'haxor' talk, so they just made people spend their life savings on buying freeze-dried food and cower in their basements.

Then we flash forward to the Grand Theft Auto games, which helped me live out my dream of genocide, but then when people started respawning, I changed my outlook to crazy madman with a large gun, killing people for the fun of it.
Then some parents complained, psychologists appeared on current affairs programs and tried to look important, and in the midst, they had missed the real problem.

The Grinch was stealing christmas!

The Grinch was in fact Jim Carrey who had got the idea of stealing Christmas when he made, The Grinch, and possibly, when he made, Ace Ventura VI: There's a dolphin trapped in my hair.

This in fact proves that in a round-about fashion, I have described a much more serious issue.

It is not only video games that are to blame. There are things such as TV and movies, and problems occur when society and particularly a childs parents look the other way and miss what might really be happening, and taking the easy answer.
That answer in fact happens to be that it was the fault on behalf of video games. But who bought the child this game, who allows them to continue playing it, and who may be the person that may in fact be the bad influence themselves?
You don't have to be a gun-toting redneck to be a bad influence.

Who knows, your child stealing that garbage truck and butchering the driver may have been a cry for attention, not a move they learnt on, "Garbage Man: Battle to Laziness and beyond".


 

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