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Spam.

One little word.

Now Spam as most of us know it comes in the form of those annoying emails that advertise things such as free diplomas, increasing the size of your 'assets' or genital enlargement.
I hope that you weren't mislead by the second example, as I often get emails from my bank. Most are angry and tell of a guy called 'Jerry' that will come to my house and take my thumbs.
Possibly Jerry Seinfeld, I don't know. But if he comes, I won't have to worry about my thumbs, and instead him stealing all of my observations on real life. Which I stole from him in the first place.

But Spam in fact is a strange pink meat that comes in a can. Your emails are crap, and so is this. I mean the meat, not the article.
A meat that is not so much a meat that it's like jelly. But jelly with enough grittyness so that it resembles a meat. Kind of ironic. Just like George Dubbya Bush. Not so much a redneck that he resembles a President, but a President with enough stupidity to resemble a redneck.

After visiting the Spam website to gain more information on this wonderful conglomeration of crap, I found that Spam is short for it's original name, Spiced Ham.
This in fact is a lie, because at no stage during Spam's illustrious history has it ever been spiced or resembled ham.

I could go on forever about how horrible Spam is, and how I think that the Exorcist was based on the true story of a little girl going mad when she ate a Spamburger hamburger © but I'll get back on track because this article is falling apart like a Chinese motorcycle. And if cultural insensitivity and a lack of knowledge have taught me anything, is that if you fall off your motorcycle in China, millions of people rise up out of the sewers and try and eat you.
In fact that might even have been the Chinese look at New York, but that's another story entirely.

This is an image of Kahol, according to Google. I don't know what a Kahol or a Google is, so I can't really verify it.

The whole point of this strange and long winded response to nothing, was to talk about Spam in all of its forms. I started talking about one of them and ended up offending half of the world's population. The sewer people of New York.
For that I'm sorry. Oh, and the Chinese motorcycle industry. I'm sure that those bikes are very strong while they are sitting in the showroom. Much like BMW or Mercedes Benz cars. But before I start offending the Germans, in which Hitler might rise from the dead and attack me with a Chinese motorcycle, I'll stop myself once again.

By this stage, I'm sure you're thinking things like, "What you talkin' 'bout Willis" and other annoying catch-phrases, but I actually did start talking about email Spam, and not the meat that resembles something else. And don't let your imaginations do anything with 'something else'. That is unless I'm talking about soylent greens. And by that I mean Spam.

Anyway, next time you go into your inbox and decide to check all of the crap that floats around the internet and somehow ends up in front of your face, remember one thing.
That email talking about steroids is not annoying, but is instead a metaphorical piece of gelatin like meat, that wobbles and jiggles just like that Jared guy before he went to Subway. They say you eat fresh there, but it isn't' like they pick the vegetables or slaughter the chicken right in front of you. And in my opinion, if it isn't moving it isn't fresh. This therefore means that Subway serves Spam that although doesn't look like traditional Spam, is just like it!

So this means, that in theory, Spam helps you lose weight. It isn't like a damn sandwich can help. I go to school, and there are people who eat sandwiches every day. All I need to do is bring a pair of binoculars and I can go on safari.

This means that for all you fatties out there, that you can simply gorge yourself on Spam, and not cakes and chocolate.

So from originally discussing email Spam, I've trailed off and somehow turned Spam into a new wonder weight loss drug. All I need is an impressionable country (Australia works most of the time) and a current affairs program, and I'll be a millionaire.

That just goes to show the immense effort that we here at Feasties put into helping our customers.

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