How often have you met someone, but not been able to start a conversation, only for the other person to start talking about some crap you don't care about?
Well for some reason or another, this other person thinks that 'the weather' is a good enough topic to waste your time on.

Somehow, this has something to do with weather.

On a cold day, this person might say, "Damn, it's cold out there" or, "It's so cold, that it might snow!" even though they missed the fact that it doesn't snow in their part of the country.
And if you live in an area where it does snow, and you're trying to relate to this article, remember one thing. That's not snow, you're just slowly going blind.

Most likely, 'the weather' is brought up on a nice, hot, sunny day.

Now back in the 1960-70's, hippy's cut a hole in the ozone layer with their bong-smoke like a hot knife through cheese! (Disney bought all rights to the traditional saying, and we here at Feasties don't want to infringe on another copyright law)

This then means that on a nice, hot, sunny day, you are slowly dying of radiation poisoning. You may as well sit inside all day and get a nice shade of pasty white (much like the British) or sit in a radiation chamber. Whatever works for you. The upside to all of this, is that you don't have to be jealous of that famous sports star. He/she will be dead before you know it, most likely in a horrible painful fashion. And if the sun doesn't get them first, remember, god intended all of you to be a back-up! Just as a note, it's much more fun and ironic if you kill this person with their own sporting equipment....scratch that last bit.

I better get back to the original point of this article before I ramble off too much and then have to end the article (which will take the whole weekend to read) with an offer for Timeshare apartments in a place that you'll never visit that you have to share with a horrible family from Alabama.

So this person keeps talking about the weather, and we all know how annoying it is. But it's a damn sight better than them talking about their children, or work or their wailing libido. And belive me, no one wants to hear about that!
But let them keep talking about the weather. Let them continue talking about the lovely sunshine or how it's terrific golfing weather (another topic that's best to stay away from. In the end they'll just start to lie about their scores and you'll end up in a fight. A fight that is finished in the most bad-ass way there is. ON THE 18th GREEN! *insert hollaring and Jerry Springer crowd-esque chants*).
Let them keep talking, but don't get annoyed, don't get apprehensive. Just remember these two simple things.

1) Listening to them talk takes less effort than what it does for you to open your mouth. This also goes for eating, drinking, and possibly breathing. If you always feel tired and run-down, stop these things now!

2) While they think that a sunny day is great and they might go to the beach, they are slowly killing themselves and everyone they love! Mwahahahahahahahaha!

Also, becoming a pasty white color opens up new doors of opportunity. One is to become a goth, the other is British. Both are pretty much the same though.

Another helpful life tip, for all of Feasties customers.
Now buy something or get the hell out!

print version top