Once upon a time, there lived a man.

He lived alone, on a craggy hill amongst a sparse forest. He rarely saw other humans, and when he did he was afraid of them, as he had lived alone since a very young age. When he reached the ripe old age of 53, a great Occurrence occurred. He found himself in possession of a crystal. The crystal was pretty, and dazzled him. He often spent long afternoons merely marveling at its beauty.

Then some men came.

"We are looking for a crystal!" they would announce. "Have you seen one? We dropped it on the path around here." The man would reply that he hadn't, but they would continue to return, each time accusing him a little more blatantly.

In time, they stopped coming. The crystal, however, began to act strangely. It would glow brighter and brighter, and occasionally give off heat. The man thought that this could be no mere stone, but a powerful sorcery tool.

The man turned 70. He had become old-looking, his eyes were sunken into his head and his nose was hawk-like and bent. His cheeks sagged and his hair had all but fallen out, and what remained of his teeth were yellow and black.

But he didn't die. He remained, and remained, and remained. He was 80, then 90, then 100. The age of one hundred was almost unheard of in his time.

Over the years, he had unlocked a few secrets from his most prized possession. He knew how to light a fire, and kill small animals with its power. He would but imagine it and it would be done. He had not the capacity for other such things, as he was but a simple fellow.

Then, the raiding party came. They burned his house and killed his animals that he had penned for later meals, and stamped on his crops.

He was enraged, and he gathered up the crystal and rushed at them. He expected a great fight and was almost certain he would be killed, but he was too angry to care. It was not so. A bright explosion shocked and deafened the man. As the whiteness receded from his vision, he looked around. Every man from the party had been struck down. There was no blood, but they had been decapitated.

The man awoke to its power, and like many before, was corrupted by it.

He took the name Alku the Wise, and set upon every village, town and castle he could find, besieging and laying them down.

Eventually, a stray arrow hit him and he died.

Far off, in the kingdom of Anar'tor, something occurred.

Less far off, actually where I was just writing about, where the old man was, the archer who fired the arrow knelt down to inspect the old man.

"Dead!" he whispered to himself, happily. He would have to have been the worst archer ever, but nobody trusted this man with a sword, and they were fairly confident that he even if he couldn't hit the enemy with his arrows, he couldn't hit them either.

A glitter caught the archer's eye (his other eye had been poked out in archery practice). No prizes for guessing, it was the crystal. However, the crystal was on a hill overlooking a cliff, and as things that are on a slope tend to do, it rolled down. There was an almighty boom and a blast of lightning as the crystal shattered upon the stony cliff bottom. A great shape of light rose out of the remains, and towered a hundred feet tall.

"I… Am… Neo… X-Death!" boomed the figure, who you could now make out as an incredibly horrific, 10 foot tall monster made from 4 individual monsters stuck together.

The archer groaned. Everyone knew what an annoying boss Neo X-Death was, so he changed his class to Samurai and repeatedly threw money at Neo X-Death until he died.

After the archer was congratulated, he was arrested, because nobody paid crappy archers and he had thrown more than a ton of gold at the behemoth.

Unfortunately, the prison had an open window, and because the archer was clumsy and only had one eye he managed to fall out and die.

Meanwhile, in a distant land, Winston Churchill gave the command to deploy the million-strong battalion of genetically engineered super-troops with really big guns. Unfortunately, no such troops existed in the 1940s, and wouldn't for another 3 or 4 years. And the war was won.

The archer, who was in prison, decided that he must escape.

"I must escape!" decided the archer.

So he gathered up Big Bubba, Little Tony and Big Bubba Junior (his in-mates) and they broke out.

After they had broken out, they all celebrated about their breaking out. Unfortunately, it is not wise to celebrate this right in front of the king and his guards, while dancing naked on top of his throne.

Shortly afterwards, the king and his guards joined in and there was a lot of fun to be had in that party, let me tell you!

After the king paid off the archer to forget about the night before, and its many experiences and journeys, the archer and his 3 husbands left. However, the villagers heard about it, and because this was in 1987 and homosexual's rights were nonexistent, they were all stoned to death.

Much, much later, Ug said to his wife "OOOG OOOG!" which meant, loosely translated, "I am a stone age man, and you are my stone age wife. We live in a stone age hut, in the stone age. Isn't it quite wonderful how two one syllable words can say so very much? What a great age we live in!" Unfortunately his speech was cut short by a large boulder hurled at him by the dreaded Dread Giants, who were really quite nice except that Ug had forgotten to pay them back some money repeatedly, and the money brokers were threatening them.

Seeing as I haven't done anything about the future, I will now. It was the year 1OUD (Of Ultimate Death, around 10 trillion years after the year 0 in our counting) and the universe was at its limits in terms of the galaxies spreading. The few humans left alive after the deadly "Close encounters of the Revived 1950AD Celebrities kind", which caused 99% of all life forms to kill themselves, despaired. The universe then stretched past its limit and fell apart, causing every sun to turn into a black hole, including the one which these humans lived nearby. In a fraction of a second the remains of humans and every other life form were sucked into eternal oblivion. Unfortunately, time slows down as you approach the event horizon (as I learned off Stargate: SG1) and these people, instead of experiencing an instantaneous death, saw themselves being drawn slowly towards the black hole. A lucky few were sucked through space first and froze to death, but the black hole quickly grew, and most people experienced long waits before they were jammed into the smallest possible space, millions of times smaller than an atom.

A billion years after this, Lord Higg-noff said to his maid, "Thou art too sassy! Thy ass be fired!" and then he was arrested for using the words "sassy" and "ass", because they were prohibited in the 1800s. Sherlock Holmes was called to investigate if, indeed, this person was as sassy as Lord Higg-noff said, and he found the results to be inconclusive.

Fortunately, for those of us who can take creative liberties with timelines, it didn't matter, because Sherlock Holmes, instead of admitting that he hadn't found the answer, repeatedly muddled people when they asked him by using words like "elementary", "insidious", "grain" and "the". What that has to do with taking creative liberties with timelines, I don't know. But then again, I am the one that's writing the story.

The old man woke up.

Except he didn't because he was dead, and this whole thing wasn't a dream, because that would be a really lame ending.

But that has nothing to do with us, although I thank you for reading. If you didn't read all the way through, you're not allowed to read the next lines. Al Kahol and I are "people" (and I use the term loosely) who committed high treason against the Queen of America. After realizing that the Queen of America didn't exist, we found that we had a lot of spare time that would have been used up by being in a dungeon, so we made a site. Then it died. Then, we made this one.

You can contact me by clicking the link at the top of the page, or the one at the bottom. However, I would like to point out that you shouldn't. Seeing as I don't want you scary folk emailing me.

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